How I Found the Human Equation
A Tribute to Sensei Kirk Ellis
I want to share a story about a person who changed the course of my life forever. A person who turned an unaware 11 year old into a student of life itself. This story is about Sensei Kirk Ellis.
I have many memories and experiences I’ve gathered by being one of his martial arts students. There were deep conversations with Sensei. Some were over the phone, while others were in person during moments of adulthood. I’ll share those stories in time, but this first story is a brief timeline from when I was 11 years old to now.
First Contact
I started Sensei Kirk Ellis’ martial arts school, Kenju, at age eleven. I wasn’t excelling in school, not because I was a bad kid, but because the light hadn’t turned on yet. That changed when I walked into Sensei Ellis’s martial arts school. This martial arts style called “Kenju” was his own style that he created.
Through Kenju and eventually black belt classes, I got to see and experience just how intense he was about teaching and having high standards as the Kenju way. As an example, we were required to read philosophy and self improvement books as part of our training.
One of the first books assigned was “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind” by Dr. Joseph Murphy. That book, along the discipline of martial arts itself began to wake up my mind. I slowly became more aware of myself and the world I lived in. I had a very long road ahead of learning and growing. This is a road on which I’m still traveling.
At some point my mother suggested I quit Kenju. She didn’t mean it in a bad way. I was still young and it was just time to move on she thought. But the seed had been planted.
A Quiet Thread
I kept in touch with Sensei over the years. He also was a fireman. I had a paper route back then and would deliver papers to the fire station where he worked. Sometimes I’d see him and we’d talk for a few minutes. Even those brief conversations were very inspiring.
Then came high school, college, and life, and I went away to study music. We lost touch mostly because of me. I got married young, which ended quickly, and it did not end well. But I was blessed with a great son.
So at this point in my life, I was 23 years old and divorced. I found myself wondering, how did I get here? How could I have not been more aware of my decisions? I felt like a failure in life. I wanted to restart my life new and return to music, but I knew I needed to figure out who I really was first. I needed to find my true self and correct my whole world view before I restarted now life’s road again. I did not want to make any more mistakes about myself and life.
The Search Begins
That’s when I began searching to find myself, my true self no matter how painful that might be. My mission was to learn what truth really is, and what reality really is, not what I think it might be, or hoped it would be.
To know I was really making the best decisions in my life based upon reality. I needed to learn how to do this first, before I started down the path of life again.
With this, I visited every kind of church, spiritual center, and philosophy group I could find. From traditional churches to tent revivals, and to Buddhist chanting. I wasn’t looking for any particular religion. I was just looking for meaning, truth, and the way to understand who I really was.
What I found was disheartening. Every place seemed more interested in building their membership or their image in the community, rather than connecting with the people in front of them. They would speak about altruism, but mostly from the standpoint of defending their faith. In my opinion, they were seeking validation through acknowledgment in the community, rather than their faith.
Even in the Buddhist circles, which were closest to what I sought, felt distracted by institutional goals. At this point in my life I realized that these faiths may be pure and true in concept, but the vehicle for their expression, teaching, and growing in those belief systems were inherently flawed. The flaw was not directly because of the foundations of these faiths. In my opinion, the flaw was because of the vehicle of these foundations were being expressed and interpreted through humans.
Human beings, I feel, are naturally flawed. So when you take a what might be a great belief system and introduce humans into it, it will naturally become flawed through our expression and actualization in the world we live.
Everywhere I visited, I would walk in with an open and hopeful mind, but then I would hit a wall. The wall where truth and faith ended for me was when faith was replaced with validation.
Those experiences became an exercise in patience, and testing myself to see if I really was willing to put in the work to change myself. Would I just give up and, make some excuse, or blame some institution? I was running out of places to search where truth or reality could exist for more than a brief moment. I was about to give up.
Then something told me: Go back to where it started for me. Talk to my Sensei. He knew me and I always felt he was wise and could help me on my path in life.
Returning Back To Town
I was living in Los Angeles at the time and Sensei was in Madera, so I made the drive to see him. I’ll never forget that day. Talking to him was like sitting with the oracle. Everything he said cut straight to the core of what and why I was searching.
He also knew me, not just for who I had been, but for who I was now. He seemed to understand what I was feeling and what I was searching for. That conversation and face to face meeting changed everything.
Original Cassette Tapes Container from 1985
At the end of our meeting, he handed me a copy of The Human Equation Tapes. I didn’t know what they were or how these would make any difference for me. But I knew if he wanted me to do something to help in my journey, then I knew I had to do it. I didn’t have enough money with me at the time to pay the $50 for the tapes, but he said take them, and start your journey forward now. “Pay me later,” he said, and I did.
The Transformation
From the moment I got back to L.A., I listened to these tapes nonstop, everyday and all day. As I did, I was listening with the same standard of patience and an open mind I had when seeking truth with all other spiritual teachings I could find.
But Sensei didn’t talk about validating The Human Equation Tapes, or superficial causes, or about extraneous effects. He spoke directly to the inner core of who we are as human beings. No fluff. No jargon. No sales pitches. Just truth.
That truth opened my mind. It aligned perfectly with my obsession to find a pure path to truth. A way to truly understand life and truly understand myself, regardless of society, age, etc.
For the first time, I felt like I was really learning how to think correctly, with clarity, and how to discipline my mind based upon truth and reality.
As I started listening to the tapes and what Sensei was saying, it all began to come together. This is what I was looking for, this is how I needed to be, to truly understand myself, and to see myself honestly. To accept my flaws, including every aspect of how I fit into this world. To accept myself for who I am, knowing that I also can change myself. To learn how to start changing, and how to start learning, and growing from this moment forward.
I liked what Sensei was saying, to keep growing, to grow even beyond what the tapes had to teach. He was not trying to sell a series II, or figure out his ROI. His goal was for you to learn, to grow beyond the tapes, and move into a new belief system of your choosing.
Sensei said to keep searching and finding new truths. So listening and incorporating these concepts into my belief system became my goal. And that’s all I did, while walking, while at work, in the morning and at night.
Constantly, I listened to the tapes. I wrote down concepts that struck a cord, and I carried those notes with me. I thought deeply about what Sensei Ellis said about life, about thoughts, and about the human experience that people live, and I was living.
Within six months of listening to these tapes, and restructuring my entire belief system, my life completely transformed. I was not the same person anymore. Everything I thought, every action I took, and every task or goal I worked towards became almost effortless. The path to achieving anything seemed so simple and clear now. Life became so calm and peaceful. Everything now made sense.
Every interaction with people, every conversation became a more meaningful moment in time for me, it was a deep experience. It was like going from back and white to vivid 8k color. I developed a new sense of self awareness, almost like a constant out of body experience. People today sometimes refer to this experience as a flow state.
I could see myself, and my thoughts in real-time, like I was standing next to myself, watching and listening. I could observe my emotions, but from a distance, both good and bad. These emotions seemed like they were right in front of me, but separate from me, so they could not influence or take away my mental balance.
It was as if I could touch them, hold them, and most importantly choose how they will interact with my life. It was like I had all the time in the world to think, speak, respond before I needed to say a word in real time.
I could then interact with others, with clarity and with purpose. I felt five steps ahead of everything I was doing, but I used this experience to choose the best outcome for each interaction, and most importantly, with each person. To try and make each person feel validated and respected.
Every moment and every personal encounter I had became more meaningful. I could see their strengths, their insecurities, their hopes, their pain within a second. But I respected each person I met and knew they had knowledge that I did not have. I wanted them to feel validated, and to also learn from them. To share that moment in time, in a meaningful way. Almost every person I came into contact with, I had the opportunity to make a new friendship.
I felt I was truly experiencing each moment as a reality. I strove to treat everyone I met, as if they were the most important person in the world. Give each person 100% of your attention and really listen to what they are saying. Each interaction felt so rewarding. This was all taught to me through Sensei Ellis and my experience with the Human Equation Tapes.
To be clear, it was great to be experiencing this level of inner balance and insight, but it was also very taxing mentally. I had to meditate each evening and each morning to recharge and fill up the well again, so to speak, before interacting with people the way I wanted to, and that they deserved.
I now had a new life, and also a new career at one of the largest law firms in the world. I was surrounded by brilliant people who challenged me, mentored me, and kept pushing me to grow. It was exciting. When you feel and experience so much with every single moment and event, you are also processing so much more information. It was very challenging.
It was like riding the most awesome roller coaster in the world, but one that you could not get off from. It seemed like it would never end.
The saying, “Be careful for what you wish for, because it just might come true now” now had a new meaning. All of this, every step, was because of Sensei Ellis who gave his time to me, to show me a path, to show me how to find the answers, and find my true self.
The Long View
As time passed, I got too comfortable with how easy success was to attain. My strong desire to learn had drifted. At a certain point I felt the insight and ability I had was diminishing. What I had previously experienced, were now just memories of living with a deep sense of self awareness and understanding.
It’s like working out and being in great physical shape. After a year of working out you could take off a month and no one would really notice. But then after a few months things start changing.
Even at this point though, I still felt so lucky and so happy to have experienced what I had thus far. I was still experiencing success, along with life’s expected challenges. Sensei taught me to have goals, to always believe in myself, and accept myself for who I am, even when I fall short.
Since that time, even with everything that’s happened, I’m still so blessed. I have a wonderful family, yes, the most wonderful family, a son and two amazing Daughters I could have ever dreamed of. It is another dream of many dreams that have come true.
I’ve been so lucky to have had such unique opportunities, and several careers across different sectors in life. Each one was, and would be, in my opinion, a singular dream to come true for anyone.
I’ve often asked myself, why me? Why was I so lucky to have been in the right place and the right time, so many times? I have been helped by so many talented and brilliant people who took time out of their lives for me. To have been given so much, from so many. To have met Sensei Ellis at age 11 and still to this day he is my Sensei and mentor. I must have the largest gap in the world between potentiality and actuality.
I still don’t know the answer. But I do know this: Whenever I drifted away from the Human Equation Tapes, I felt it. That disconnection. My mind was no longer at that level. I felt like I was stuck on the same mental spot on the mountain. Whenever I returned to the tapes, clarity would start to slowly come back. It was like remembering who I once was, but also what I missed out on, because my life got too comfortable.
The Tapes Come Home
Over the years, I had been in and out of touch with Sensei. Sometimes I was lucky enough to see him in person. Sometimes I only had five minutes on the phone. But those moments were so important because everything is temporary and I needed to absorb as much as I could.
One example of how it was for me learning from Sensei, was when we were quickly walking across a busy street. I told Sensei that I meditate in the morning and try to mediate in the evening, but I wanted to know when he thought the best time is to meditate. I then asked Sensei, when does you mediate?
His response blew my mind, he said, “I’m meditating right now.” He said he is always mediating, regardless of whatever he is also doing. He’s always in a constant state of meditation. It was then that I realized, he is on a whole different level, and just I needed to stop talking and listen.
Another concept that he shared with me that really opened my mind was a through a drawing he did for me forty years ago. It illustrates two types of value systems, one in which the person views everything that happens to them as, how does this affect me?
The second type of value system, is one in which the person views everything that happens as, how do I affect them? I recreated his drawings with these diagrams below, to illustrate the concepts he was explaining to me. The key is to always focus on how I’m affecting other people, not how they affect me.
How does everything affect me?
How do I affect others?
Over the course of decades, I asked Sensei why he stopped making The Human Equation Tapes. I told him how much they changed my life, and how much they could help others who were in similar points in their life. His response was that he had moved on, and past the tapes with his philosophy. His philosophy had grown so far beyond the Human Equation Tapes. He was focused on moving forward and he wanted people to be exposed to even more new ideas and concepts. He was writing new books and always thinking about new ideas.
Many years later we were speaking on the phone. I again asked about the tapes, to see if he would have them back in circulation. He told me that he didn’t have the tapes anymore. They were lost and were gone forever. They are no more.
That’s when I said, I still have my copy of the tapes from when we met that day, almost forty years ago. I had digitized the tapes back in 1999 so I could preserve them and still listen to them before the physical tapes finally gave out.
I asked if I could license the tapes and restore the audio, to share them with the world. To my shock and surprise he told me, he’s giving them to me, to own, to bring them into today’s platforms. He asked for nothing and would not accept anything. No conditions he said. They’re yours. Take them and make them whatever they need to be for today’s generation. I was at a loss for words.
We took care of the legal formalities and then it was off to another, once in a life time blessing and experience. Sensei Ellis gave me this opportunity to restore the recordings and to create a platform for these tapes to exist. They would now be available for everyone and anyone with cellphone or computer, all at no cost to them.
A New Chapter
After 40 years of listening, learning, and living with these recordings, they now exist on several digital platforms that can be shared with the world. The audio has been forensically restored from their original 1985 cassette tape recordings, and edited as excerpts, and full cassette tapes for today’s social media listening habits.
Listen to one of the Human Equation Tapes:
How To Win The Battle For Your Emotions - YouTube
These excerpts and full recordings have being uploaded to several platforms including the main website humanequation.org, Spotify and YouTube. I work regularly on these platforms in my personal time, but it is a labor of love. These recordings are all available to listen and enjoy for no cost.
How to Listen to The Human Equation Tapes
These tapes are not just a listen once type of recording, or listen from the beginning through the end type of recording. They’re like a great book or movie, to be revisited from any starting place in the audio, to however long you want to listen and reflect.
And with each listen, you’ll experience what you want from them, and then choose to incorporate whichever concepts into your life you decide.
As Sensei said, the tapes stay the same, it’s your view of yourself and your view of the world that has changed.
So now these same tapes will mean something completely different for you. You will have a new understanding about yourself, a new understanding about these concepts, and you will gain a new insight and a deeper meaning in your life, and life itself. The tapes keep changing their meaning, as you continue to grow. If you have a desire to know who you truly are, I hope these teachings will find you in a similar way they found me.
Desire
One important concept I must add that I learned later in life, the hard way. You really have to desire to change. You really have to want to grow beyond your present self. It does not matter what personal growth system you choose, the tapes, a church, or any other belief system. Without a real desire to grow beyond your present self, without a real desire to seek more from life, or to commit to becoming a student of life, then whichever vehicle you choose, will only be an experience you’ll feel good about, just for that moment.
I think about the famous Socrates story where a boy came him and asked; “How do I become wise?” Socrates then took the boy to a well and held the boys’ head under water until the boy was kicking and struggling to breathe. Socrates lifted the boys’ head out of the water and said; “When you want wisdom as much as you wanted air, you will receive it.”
Nothing is accomplished without a deep desire
Decades have passed, trying to get back to where I used to be mentally. Listening to the tapes, meditating, and carrying my daily notes with me. I eventually realized that I was going through the motions, but that burning desire I had back then to change and learn when life felt so empty, was now missing. I was too comfortable in life.
I still have the desire to grow, but I realize I have not actually flipped the ‘desire’ switch on again mentally. To really test myself again with life. I’m trying still and hopefully though the new Human Equation Tapes project and digital platforms, that may still happen.
Humans Are The Common Denominator In Life
Once you find yourself, and become the master of yourself, you can then flow effortlessly from one human interaction to the next. You can unlock extraordinary potential to change whatever you desire, and hopefully it is a desire which benefits you and society.
If Sensei’s teachings connect with you, it would be great to hear your story. The website was created to keep the Human Equation Tapes, and his teachings alive, for all of us still learning how to live the Human Equation.